There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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