Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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