I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
