I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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