Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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