if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
