I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
