he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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