remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if only i could text you this smell
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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