when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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