i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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