Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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