I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
