I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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