I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
