we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
