I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Randomize
