HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
