I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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