Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my sisters under your porch take her home
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
