I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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