Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
