so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
