I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
