Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How does it feel to date your dad?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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