Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
