yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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