So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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