apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
