bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
