oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
