I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
