You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We have started to decorate penises.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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