Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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