I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
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I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
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Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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