we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
