and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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