whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
