Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
