The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize