She's JV to your varsity
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
