Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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