There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
