I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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