Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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