I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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