Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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