I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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