You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
