apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
