I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
