Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
