Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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