He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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