Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
